Chart Your Own Path
Becoming self-led is what most people, deep down, strive for.
It’s the ultimate goal of personal growth and development, it makes you the captain of your own ship, the architect of your own destiny. It means you no longer have your emotions governed by outside forces or your actions dictated by someone else’s expectations.
You know who you are outside the lines of what is and isn’t right according to the unspoken rules of today’s conformist culture, and you are empowered to make your own choices — consciously living a life from your highest values.
It’s not an easy path, but it’s a deeply rewarding one. Filled with growth, learning, endless possibilities and the fulfilment of becoming the vital, free-thinking and self-led (wo)man you’re meant to be.
So the question arises, why do most not achieve it?
For many, it’s because they never “take the leap” into the unknown. They live by the rules, follow the signs, and engage in all sorts of frantic and compulsory activities to distract themselves from the truth that burns at their core. Burying their heads in the sand or doing precisely what today’s superficial success culture tells us to do: think positive thoughts, buy stuff, overwork, eat, binge, drink, watch porn — expecting things to get better without ever acknowledging the underlying sense of dissatisfaction.
Others may reach the top of the proverbial mountain, only to realise they don’t experience the freedom, confidence and happiness they expected. In fact, it’s quite the opposite — reaching this point often leaves them feeling unclear, indecisive, stuck and tremendously unsure about what to do next.
There are a few other reasons why people will never become self-led and enjoy lives of fulfilment, which we’ll uncover in a moment.
But first, what does it actually mean to be self-led?
Just for the record, this isn’t just some new-age, positive self-help idea. The concept of being self-led can be traced back over 50 years to the works of Albert Bandura. He proposed the concept of self-efficacy, referring to an individual’s belief in their ability to perform a particular task or behaviour successfully. Manz and Neck then took it a step further in 1983 and introduced self-leadership as the process of influencing oneself towards achieving personal and professional goals.
To me, self-leadership is embodying the awareness and skills you need to chart your own unique path in life while playing the cards you’re dealt. Whether that means accepting reality for what it is and navigating the challenges as they arise from a place of clarity, confidence and strength. Or courageously confronting the blindspots and ego barriers that keep you stuck in a repetitive cycle — focusing on all the wrong things.
For example, when my clients first get on a call with me, their issues are often hidden behind a thick veil of protective layers — disguised in the form of a lack of motivation, difficulty focusing, and a compulsion to chase the next thing, combined with a lingering sense of dissatisfaction and overwhelm.
This is where they try to convince themselves (and me) that they need to be more disciplined and “do better” in order to reach a certain place in their life where they then, and only then, are able to prioritise themselves, the things that bring them a sense of joy and fulfilment and the people that matter to them most.
The main issue here is that they live under the illusion — the false hope — that once they attain their goal they will reach lasting happiness. Or at least feel confident and free enough to start doing the things that would lead to a self-led, and more fulfilled life.
But once they arrive at their destination — the promised land — they are only rewarded with a temporary blip of relief before the next thing calls for their attention, and they begin their next hunt. Much like an addict obsessed with their next fix.
This phenomenon is also known as the ‘arrival fallacy’ — a term coined by Harvard psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar.
The reality is, as long as they hold on to this illusion, life will continue to repeat the lesson they struggle with until they embrace the inevitable and learn from it. Which at its core, is life’s way of inviting us to become self-led, to listen to where life is begging you to drop in more and face it with unwavering abandon.
The challenge we all face is: can we become aware before life forces it upon us?
Or does life need to shatter our illusions in a humbling encounter with reality, which manifests in the form of failure, burn-out, divorce, accidents, depression or disease?
Which we’ll delve deeper into in just a moment. But first, it’s important for you to understand:
Why Living Life on Your Own Terms is the Only Way to Go
Manz and Sims (1987) expressed that “self-leadership provides individuals with the necessary tools to take control of their lives, make decisions that align with their goals, and achieve the outcomes they desire”.
To put it simply, being self-led empowers us to make choices that we know, in our hearts, are right for us. Rather than simply coasting through life on autopilot, following the crowd — only doing what you “should” be doing.
Self-leadership is about knowing who you are, what you value and taking charge of your own growth, direction and success in life. This level of autonomy can be incredibly empowering, as it liberates us from the illusions and myths of a society that has alienated us from our core.
Interestingly, the people that we view as successful are frequently those who become disconnected from their core. Day by day, they become further entwined in a monotonous cycle, gradually losing control over the very things that matter to them most. As time passes, their days blur together until weeks, months, and even years seem to pass by in the blink of an eye.
In my coaching practice, I hear time and time again that the people in this state feel like they are merely surviving rather than genuinely living, let alone thriving. Drifting further from the people, dreams, passions and activities that once ignited their spirit. And as they continue to lose touch with their core and become increasingly disconnected from who they truly are, making any meaningful progress seems to fall further out of their reach.
Remember, “if we don’t take the time to reflect on our values, beliefs, and goals, we may find ourselves drifting through life, lacking a sense of purpose or direction.” (Seligman, 2011)
With all this said, just pause for a second and ask yourself:
Do you genuinely feel that you’re living in alignment with your highest values?
Are you ruthlessly decisive over the actions that you know, in your heart, are right for you?
Do you find that you are able to commit to the big decisions that you know will move the needle in your life?
If you didn’t answer positively to these questions, well then you need to take a step back, cut out the noise and ask yourself:
Why You’re Not Living Life on Your Own Terms
Navigating the complexities of life in today’s world can be a daunting task, especially when it comes to leading a life that aligns with our core values. Which is a common struggle that I’ve observed in many of my coaching clients.
The challenge often stems from a lack of understanding or awareness of one’s core values. Without clarity on what we truly value and what we want for our future, it becomes difficult to make decisions that align with our aspirations.
Erich Fromm once said, “Most people never stop to question the premise of their true wants.” This is especially relevant in a culture that places a great emphasis on material possessions, status, and external markers of success.
As we strive to conform to societal norms, we can become disconnected from our authentic selves, leading us to prioritise external achievements rather than our inner voice and unique potential. This pressure to conform can prevent us from realising our full potential and lead to feelings of loneliness, confusion, and discouragement.
It’s also important to recognise that even after achieving external markers of success, such as a high-paying job or status, we may still experience a sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction.
And you’ll know the feeling if you’ve ever asked yourself:
Is this really what I’m doing this for?
Does it always have to feel like such a struggle?
Shouldn’t I feel more confident and happy by now?
Might there be a different, and better, way?
The analogy of the alpinist can better illustrate this breaking point in life.
Imagine an alpinist who has devoted his entire existence to climbing challenging peaks around the world. He has pushed himself to the brink of his physical and mental limits, endured harsh weather conditions and battled treacherous terrain.
But on one occasion, as he nears the end of his ascent, he realises that the path he’s chosen won’t lead him to the summit he has been dreaming of.
Despite the overwhelming sense of frustration and dread that envelops him, he knows that he must summon the courage to turn back, descend into the valley and begin his journey anew.
The difference is, he’ll be setting out with a better sense of direction.
The alpinist serves as a poignant metaphor for the journey of self-actualisation. It’s all too easy to disregard the warning signs and persist on the same path that you set out on. But in your heart, you know it won’t result in the freedom, confidence and fulfilment you seek.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that the thought of turning back and accepting the loss of time, effort and resources can be incredibly disheartening.
To go a step further, it can leave you questioning your very existence.
But if you answer the call for change and take that brave step into the unknown, you can be sure that you’ll be rewarded with a new perspective on life.
The problem with this, and another key reason why so many people never reach their full potential is that given the option, they choose the frustration of repeating the same, unfulfilling, or sometimes even painful experience over the discomfort and fear that comes with stepping into the unknown.
They have come to believe that they can control every aspect of their lives, not knowing that their ability to live life to its fullest is directly related to how much uncertainty they’re able and willing to handle. But the tragic irony is that the very thing we thought would make us ‘happy’, tends to become the barrier preventing us from living a self-led & fulfilling life.
This is why it’s so incredibly important to know:
How to Navigate the Uncharted Territory of Leading Your Own Life
The journey of self-actualisation requires us to depart from the conventional, well-travelled road and embark on our hero's journey down the “pathless path” — a term coined by Joseph Campbell.
He went on to quote: “You {must} enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path. Where there is a way or path, it is someone else’s path. You are not on your own path. If you follow someone else’s way, you are not going to realize your potential.”
The pathless path demands individuals who are in pursuit of the best version of themselves to step out of their comfort zone and confront their fears, insecurities and limitations.
Let me give you a real-life example:
One of the most common challenges that I see my clients having to overcome is when they have to face the fear of letting go of their carefully crafted — and often painfully achieved — identity in order to break free from the prison of their minds.
It can often be overwhelming, but regardless, they must venture back down into the heart of an unknown valley to shed the self-imposed layers of limitation that have held them from becoming self-led.
Which is a challenging task. But, it can be made far more straightforward when you know:
Why Living in Alignment With Your Values is Crucial for Success
Consider your core values as the flag that represents the kind of person you strive to be and the principles you choose to live by. By anchoring ourselves in our values, we can avoid being sidetracked by external factors, societal expectations, and temptations. This, in turn, enables us to navigate life’s complexities with greater clarity, confidence, and ease.
Interestingly, throughout my 5000+ hours of coaching experience, I have yet to encounter an individual whose values and priorities align in a way that genuinely supports their growth, well-being, and individuality. And it’s worth mentioning that the majority of my clients claim to know their values at the start of the program, yet the values they have chosen, in particular, their hierarchical order of them, often reflect who they think they need to be in order to survive and fit in.
For example, individuals who see themselves, but, more importantly, want others to perceive them as the good guy or girl will often say they value things like loyalty. However, the subtext of their persona infers that what they are really saying is that they will do whatever it takes to be liked and accepted, even if it’s at the expense of their authenticity, or health. This is a common occurrence for all other personas, such as the overachiever, the hyper independent or the hero/rescuer.
Although the values we choose to uphold are personal and distinct, they are shaped by various influences throughout our lives, including our parents, teachers, peers, and the broader society. These values become ingrained in our identity as they are reinforced and rewarded by our culture.
However, it’s essential to recognise that what we perceive as healthy and “normal” may not always be in our best interests. When we pay attention to the statistics we can see staggering rises in anxiety, burn-out, depression and suicide. Showing, from a standpoint of human evolution and our fundamental needs, that the current lifestyle we pursue is ultimately limiting our potential and profoundly impacting our health and well-being in life.
Which is backed up by a survey conducted by Zippia, who found that a massive 89% of workers reported feeling burnt out on the job within the past year. In fact, burnout was officially included in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11), characterised by “feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion”.
In short, burnout is very real and will come back to haunt you in the future. So it’s best to cut the nonsense and take some precautionary measures.
On another note, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
found that people who pursued goals that were not aligned with their core values were more likely to experience symptoms of depression and anxiety.
The researchers concluded that “living in ways that are inconsistent with personal values may represent a type of psychological discomfort that can threaten well-being” (Kasser, Cohn, Kanner, & Ryan, 2007).
These statistics are a powerful reminder of just how important it is to muster the courage to that bold leap of faith into the unknown and start living life in alignment with your deepest values. But awareness is only the first step, to truly live a self-led life, you need to be firmly convinced of their importance.
This means bridging the knowledge-doing gap, which can be a challenging and often uncomfortable process. And this is because making such decisions requires going against social norms and breaking free from the old, familiar ways of doing things. However, it’s only by taking action and taking the leap of faith that you can truly uncover the full potential of your life and experience each day with a greater sense of purpose, fulfilment, and authenticity.
Take Steve Jobs, for example. As he said in his now famous commencement speech at Stanford; “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future”.
If he had never taken a leap of faith and dropped out of college to take a calligraphy class, then he would never have paved the way for the beautiful typography and design we see in today’s digital landscape. But of course, at the time, he couldn’t predict how his interests would shape the future of technology. It was only after a decade that the connections became evident.
This is why it’s so important to remember that sometimes the path to a deeper, more fulfilling, kind of success lies in taking risks and making bold choices. Whether it’s starting a new business, leaving a soul-draining job, ending a relationship, pursuing a creative passion or making a major life change. Stepping out of our comfort zones, and trusting in something — whether it’s your gut, destiny, life, karma, or any other guiding force — can often lead to surprising and life-altering results.
Of course, taking risks can be terrifying, and there’s always the possibility of failure, judgement or rejection. Which is why living a self-led life requires us to grow our capacity to experience discomfort, pain, or challenging emotions without slipping back into the grip of our fight-flight-freeze or fawn responses.
Nevertheless, the endless possibilities and the fulfilment of becoming the vital, free-thinking and self-led (wo)man you’re meant to be can far outweigh the potential downsides.
Let me give you a personal, real-life example:
My Story: How I Addressed the BS and Started Living Life on My Own Terms
When I was 24, I founded my own start-up company.
During this time, I attached myself to the identity of the aspiring entrepreneur. I was ambitious, I overpromised, said yes to too many requests and lived in the “if I’m awake I’m working” mindset.
Quite honestly because it was what every other successful start-up founder was doing.
It wasn’t until a near-fatal health crisis that I could see that the weight of my growing responsibilities was beginning to crush me, as well as my relationships with the people I cared about most.
After several slices of humble pie and some deep thinking, I began to understand that my unwavering drive to succeed was not the result of the intrinsic motivation that I believed it to be. Instead, I realised that I was driven by a repressed desire for respect and admiration, which I thought I could attain through achievement and success.
And although it “worked”, it failed to fulfil my need for genuine connection, love, and belonging — it just perpetuated the cycle of self-abandonment.
Today, I run a successful coaching business with clients across 20+ countries, live where and how I want, own my time, do the things that bring me joy and have a lifestyle, relationship, and friend group that are aligned with who I am and what I value. All because I do what very few other people are willing to do… I live by my highest values, even, or perhaps especially, when it’s hard, risky, uncertain, unpopular, and scary.
After exploring what it means to live a self-led life and why it is important, I hope I have inspired you to get curious about where life is begging you to drop in more and start facing it with unwavering abandon.
And If you so choose to release yourself from the chains of your inhibitions, and take that first, brave step towards self-leadership, I wanted to leave you with the first, actionable steps that you should take in order to start living life on your own terms.
Getting Honest and Embracing Reality
One of the most common misconceptions that I see in the majority of my clients is the belief that the path to creating a more balanced way of living lies within giving equal attention to each area of their life.
This is not necessarily the case. In order to live a truly balanced life, you must give appropriate attention to the areas that are the most important to you at this current moment.
Which means that some parts of your life will require more time, energy and attention, whilst others will get less — depending on the season of your life — for instance, your situation, commitments, health, level of work, autonomy and family responsibilities.
In order to accurately gauge the exact levels of time energy and attention that each area requires, we can use a tool known as the Wheel of Life. Allow me to me explain:
The Wheel of Life is a powerful symbol that represents the many facets of our existence, all interconnected and independent.
It is often presented in the form of a circle that has been divided into multiple segments, each one representing different areas of life. At the centre of the wheel lies our core self, the essence of who we are — our career, intimate relationships, friends, finances and health. Surrounding our core are the more subjective, and individually different components that represent the other aspects of our lives, such as personal growth, recreation, spirituality etc.
One of the greatest and most effective ways to use the Wheel of Life — and take back control over your growth, direction and success — is to take a moment at the end of each month to reflect on your current levels of satisfaction within your core areas. You can do this by rating how satisfied you are within certain areas of your life on a scale of 1–10, where 1 represents ‘hopeless’ and 10 means ‘outstanding’.
As an example, here’s what my Wheel of Life looks like filled in with my levels of satisfaction. (If you would like a blank version to fill in yourself, feel free to email me at hello@jordcuiper.com)
After doing this exercise, you will have a clear view of the parts of your life that are begging for your time, energy and attention. However, before you begin, please keep in mind that this is all about your current levels of satisfaction and fulfilment. You could rate a certain area — for example, your career — with a 10, meaning you are fully satisfied at this point in your life. But this does not account for the numerous opportunities for growth you may have in the near future.
Please also remember to do your utmost to not let societal expectations influence your answers, this exercise only works when you give answers that are solely about you and your experience. Don’t let overthinking get in the way — trust your instincts and initial reactions, and let go of any unnecessary comparisons and pressures. Focus on you, and how you feel.
Once you have identified the specific areas that need you to drop in more (or less), I recommend you to face the truth about your current situation by using the following questions to break through to the core:
- What is happening?
- What situation(s) and/or people are stressing me out?
- What challenge or obstacle do I currently fear or avoid facing?
- What story do I tell myself to bypass or postpone the call for change?
- If I continue my current pathway and change nothing, what will happen? Am I okay with that? Why or why not?
- If I accept the situation for what it is, what lesson do I need to embrace and learn?
- What is the one thing I must do (or eliminate) to do better or move ahead faster?
Let me give you an example of this exercise in action:
A few years ago I worked with an incredibly ambitious executive by the name of Tim. During our time together, we uncovered the fact that the sheer amount of stress that he was piling onto his shoulders — in the form of an overbearing workload — was draining his ability to make progress on the things that would have the most impact. Meaning he was left feeling anxious, lonely, lifeless, more reactive and as a result, increasingly disconnected from himself and the things that mattered to him most.
One of the key areas that Tims’ issues stemmed from was the fact that he avoided setting boundaries around his time and availability, let alone prioritising other important aspects of his life. He just kept telling himself that he would be able to do that once he makes the promotion, or at the very least after his performance report.
After recognising that the detrimental effects of his lifestyle were sending him down a path of poor performance, and long-term, an unfulfilled life. He embraced the fact that he was a human being with limitations, who has the right to say no.
It was only until after he answered the above questions — with honesty and integrity — that he could embrace reality and see it clearly for what it was. Even though he didn’t like what he saw, he realised that he couldn’t grow beyond his limitations if he was avoiding it at the same time.
Please don’t get me wrong — these questions have tough, often painful answers that require massive and deliberate action to fulfil. Yet by facing them with a sense of honesty and a desire to become self-led, you will be rewarded with a greater sense of clarity and direction over your desired outcome. Meaning that you can start dedicating the necessary attention and resources to the areas of your life that will move you towards your goals.
This is an ongoing practice that requires relentless self-inquiry, unyielding adaptability and, therefore time and effort. But when you consistently meet the criteria that you challenge yourself with, it can unlock the door to becoming the vital and sovereign (wo)man you’re capable of being — empowering you to create a self-led life beyond the conventional standards of society and the immediate rush of daily events.
Stop Making Excuses and Start Living Your Best Life Now.
I would like to thank you for your time and attention, I hope that you found this article useful.
If you have any questions, please feel free to visit me at https://www.jordcuiper.com/from-the-core
Remember, it’s never too late to start living a self-led life.
All it takes is a little courage and the willingness to be true to ourselves.
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TL;DR
Living a self-led life involves taking responsibility for your happiness, aligning your actions with your values, and finding purpose in every moment.
It is important because it empowers us to make choices that are right for us and experience a sense of fulfilment, purpose, and inner peace.
However, many people struggle to achieve it because: they have lost touch with their core values, prioritise external markers of achievement, and fear the unknown.
To become self-led, you must embody awareness and skills to chart your unique path while accepting life’s circumstances.
The first step towards self-leadership requires you to make a visual representation of the values that your highest self would hold themselves to.
References
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